a letter from in inner-city kid

I borrowed this letter from another blog...it was written by someone who participates in a beautiful organization called Urban Homeworks

To the caring and capable adult who wants to help me, but sometimes does not want to see me;
To the one who plays with me, and who shows me lots of fun, but then like a grandparent, sends me home again when I get too tiring;
To the one who faithfully comes into the neighborhood twice a week and never misses an appointment;
To the one who really does love me with all their heart, but who still recoils when I get too close because of my smell, or my runny nose, or my ringworm;
To the one who buys me stuff, even though I ain’t their kid;
To the one who reads books with me, and helps me with my homework, and mentors me, and comes to my court review.
This letter is for you.
Thank you.
I don’t say that very often, do I? At least, not in ways you hear. Even though I may not show outward signs of appreciation, you must realize how important you are to me. You take time out of your busy life to come and visit me. I am a kid you don’t know too well, and one you don’t fully trust, but you come see me anyway. You are not my mamma or her baby daddy, and the courts didn’t make you come here. So when you spend time with me, I know it is because you want to. I’m too tough to tell you, but I need that kind of care. I crave it. I love you for doing it.

But you got to remember that you and me are different, okay? You got to remember that there are some things that I know better than you.
You drive into my neighborhood to work, but I live here all the time.
That’s not a bad thing, I am glad you come to see me. But you got to remember that you’re the guest here. You are not in charge all the time. You don’t always set the agenda.
Long after you leave, I will still be here.
When you are waking up for work and drinking your morning coffee, I am dragging my younger siblings out of bed and dressing them and making sure they eat something so we can get to the bus stop on time. And I don’t wake mamma.
When you are sleeping in your bed at night, I am curled up in a trembling mass in the corner of a shadowy den hoping and praying that my new daddy don’t come home drunk again.
I know you want to help, but you got to remember you don’t make the rules.
I need to drive sometimes. I know I am a little kid, but there are some things that I know better than you.You forget that sometimes, but hey, nobody’s perfect.
I know you like to visit me, but I also know that I scare you. You come from somewhere different than me and you can’t figure out why I act like I do.

For example, when you give popcorn to the kid on my left, I want some too. Do I simply ask for some, or patiently wait my turn? You wish I would.
“Hey! No fair! Why does he get popcorn? Where’s mine? Gimme some!”
This is my default.
There is a whining sound in my voice that annoys you, or I sound angry and aggressive.
What I want to say is this: “The popcorn looks delicious. I would like to have some, please.”
But I don’t know how to say that.
You tell me I have poor manners. You tell me I am rude. Well, I don’t know much about that, but I do know that you are trying to rip me off.
At home, and everywhere else I go, the assumption is that I am going to get screwed. See, I live with my mom and her boyfriend, and he has kids of his own that he brought with him when he moved in with us. And my brother has a different dad too.
At my house, there are favorite kids. At my house, I don’t get a new toy just because my brother did. At my house, I get left out.
But my mamma doesn’t say anything because it might make Joey mad. So, at my house, I am on my own.
Then you come along, and you seem nice enough. But how do I know that there is enough popcorn for me? How do I know that you are going to serve me just like you served that other kid? How do I know that you won’t ignore me?
I don’t.
I don’t know until I can trust you. Because, even though I am here in a church or school or kids club, I forget that I don’t have to fight. I forget that you try to be fair.
So, I will demand popcorn if I have to.

I say “fuck” a lot. And “bitch” and “shit” and “pussy.” You tell me I am bad, but really I am just talking like everybody else.
You got stuff you say, and I got stuff I say. It’s not because I am dumber than you, it is just my language.
I need you to fight against something. You will be tempted to judge me based on my speech patterns. My informal register will cause you to feel intellectually superior, and my use of profanity will cause you to feel morally superior.
Battle those urges with everything you’ve got.
I need you to talk to me without lecturing. I need you to include me in discussions. I don’t need condescension, I need conversation. I know you’re convinced that your language is the “correct” one and mine is somehow broken. But Jesus speaks Ebonics too.

By the way, it is okay for you to talk your talk. I don’t mind. But don’t try to mimic me, because I don’t know how to respond to that.
I don’t need someone who looks like me and sounds like me. I don’t need someone more ghetto or someone who fits into the neighborhood.
I need someone who truly cares. I need the love that turns things upside down. That will be enough.

I like to laugh, just like you do. I want to have a good time. But I laugh at different things than you.
You laugh at clever remarks and ironic situations and cunning satire.
I laugh when I tease the boy next to me until he cries. He walks funny and his clothes are too big. (My clothes are too big too, but I crucify him for it.)
Then I flip open my cousin’s cell phone and show everybody an animation I downloaded for $1.99.
It is Scooby Doo having sex with Daphne.
I laugh loud and long so everyone around me hears. I pass it around because there is great value in being the entertainer.
You tell me I am mean and inappropriate, but I don’t know how else I am supposed to laugh. The only things funny to me are people and sex. And when I showed it to my uncle, he laughed too.

That animation on my phone is the best way for you to understand me. That animation shows the clash of two worlds.
Scooby and Daphne: icons of silliness and youth.
Graphic depiction of sex: a mysterious siren song beckoning me to the big people world.
I clash with myself every day.
I am a kid, a normal kid, just like in your family. I go through all the same phases and want all the same things. I am just as likely as your kid to beg for a toy or have a scary dream or cry when I don’t get my way. I am just as likely to bite my Tootsie Pop or enjoy Dr. Seuss or forget to tie my shoe laces. And sometimes I just need a nap.
But I am also an adult, a small adult, who sees the real world every day. I go through all the same phases and want all the same things. I may not understand it, but I am likely to be intrigued by sex and marvel over money and watch while my brother gets high. I look up to Scarface and I’m wary of police and I see through your lies about school. And sometimes I just need a drink.
I’m kind of schizophrenic. A half-kid half-adult hybrid. That’s why I can be vulgar and innocent at the same time. That’s why I will tell you of my sexual exploits in graphic detail and then ask you to blow bubbles with me. That’s why I will quote the movies “How High” and “Alvin and the Chipmunks” over dinner and laugh just as loud over both of them.

You might think I have no impulse control. You might think that I am overly emotional, or terribly dramatic, or blatantly offensive. You can’t figure out why I act like I do.
You feel like you can’t get close to me because I fly off the handle every now and then, or I am cold or hostile toward your sappy Christian advances. I’m totally inconsistent and you think I may be mentally imbalanced.

You know nothing stays the same? Ask me my phone number. I probably won’t know it.
Ask for my address. I might be able to give you the street name we just moved to.
Ask me who my parent or legal guardian is, or which of those kids is really my cousin. I’m not being rude when I don’t answer. I just can’t keep up.
And I don’t know if my mom will bring home groceries, and I don’t know if I will make it to middle school. I don’t know if I am safe in my bed, and I don’t know where my daddy went. The things I don’t know far outweigh the things I do know.
I can’t control what happens to any extent, and I have trouble predicting outcomes.
Things happen to me.
I don’t wake up and plan for my day. I wake up and brace myself.

That’s why I cry at the drop of a hat, and that is why I launch into manic fits. That is why, when my brother asks for help on his homework, he may start fuming and kick the hell out of something.
We’re wearing roller skates on a merry-go-round. We can’t catch our balance and no one is helping us up.
We are trying to climb the wrong way up an icy sliding board while the bully at the top keeps throwing snow balls.
We’re in a cage match with reality, and there is no way to tap out.

And so we do things.

Maybe you’ve seen those scars on my arms. No, not the cigarette burns. Those came from something else.
I mean the cuts. Those straight and narrow cuts that criss-cross all over my skin and make patterns like a railroad track.
They look suspiciously like I put them there myself. You wonder about it when you catch a glimpse, but it takes you a couple of weeks to ask.
Let me tell you about my day. Let me tell you about my day that is the same day every day, and how boring and tedious it becomes to climb out of bed. Everything seems broken sometimes, and I don’t believe it can be fixed. There is nowhere to go from here, nothing to do.
I am bored.
Boredom leads to apathy, apathy leads to numbness, and numbness is the enemy of hope. I am the walking dead and it doesn’t take long for me to yearn to feel something. I want to feel that little sting, that rush of endorphins, that cleansing release as I purge my body of pent up self-worthlessness. I feel something. And I am in control. I am causing the sensation and no one is doing it to me. I am causing the sensation and I can make it stop.

Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Don’t talk to me! I hate you! I hate you!

I’ll run away and hide from you because you’re getting too close. I will say things just to make you hurt inside, and sometimes I get satisfaction in knowing you cried over me. I’ll cuss at you sometimes. I will jump out of your car and refuse to get back in, telling you the whole time that you are a liar who doesn’t care about me at all. Then I will walk home by myself in the rain, tossing the gift you gave me on the ground.
And I will watch over my shoulder to see you driving slowly behind me until I arrive safely at my destination.

I’m mad at you. I am not speaking to you. We both know that it’s not your fault, but I want to be mad at someone. I fume and vent, and you shrink and listen. You will try really hard in this situation, but I don’t want you to win. I want you to come back, but I don’t want you to win. I’m pissed.

I need you to be patient. Most people stick around until I lose my temper, or steal from them, or resist their love. They get tired, or hurt, or bored, or mad and I never see them again. When you wipe my spit from your face and search me out in the streets, I get it. Then I start to believe you. I’ll be baffled by your mercy and puzzled by your grace, and the yearning of my heart will be satisfied by your faithfulness. I’ll probably still act mad for a while, and I may teach you some new choice phrases. But I will also end the conversation with, “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
So, thanks for reading my letter. I don’t know if you’ll understand what I am saying, I am really not that articulate. I don’t know how to express these things. Sometimes I have to wrestle with my tongue to make the words come out. But I still wanted someone to hear me out, to engage my opinions, to recognize my voice.

And I cherish you for doing that.

From the kid you want to work with, but keep at arm’s length;
From the child you pick up for church on Sunday and play basketball with on Monday;
From the one who loves your reading voice and wishes he had a dad like you;
From the boy who needs to learn to shave and the girl who needs a chick flick night;
From the 1 in 4 who is living in poverty;
From the one who is close enough to touch.
I’ll see you tomorrow.

Bring candy.

Life Interrupted

We all live our lives by a plan. Sometimes it is our plan, sometimes it's someone else's, but there is a sense of progression; of forward movement towards the things we are supposed to accomplish in our lives.

I've discovered that in attempting to live my life sacrificially for God....I live a life interrupted.

I continually move along according to my own plans and am continually interrupted by things I never thought I'd do, people I never thought I'd meet, and circumstances I don't know how to deal with.

I've been looking for a job in an office, working in training and leadership development, corporate communication, within a consistent and professional environment.

I've found a job at a non-profit working in relationship building, problem solving, intercultural communication within a crazy travel schedule and semi-chaotic environment.

I'm leaving behind my to do lists and appointments. Instead, showing up for a 4 day community trip with some people to meet and places I might be able to find them.

I'm leaving behind my pencil skirts and heels. Instead adopting a wardrobe of jeans and serious snow boots.

I'm leaving behind my friends and family. Instead traveling the country alone.

I'm leaving behind my desire for comfort and belonging. Instead I become the minority. The white girl who doesn't belong.

I'm a Youthworks Western Region Area Director. I work on Native American Indian Reservations and small towns in South Dakota, Colorado, and Arizona.

My life has been Interrupted. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

saying goodbye part 3

We have been packing all day...and saying goodbye to people. I'm sad...and I can' believe I will be driving away from heart butte in the morning, in Denver on Sunday and back home on Tuesday.

This summer has absolutely flown by!

saying goodbye part 2

I'm having deja vu....I remember packing up my dorm room after freshman and sophomore year...and then packing up my house after senior year...now I'm packing up my room at Heart Butte Elementary School. I'm taking down bulletin boards and putting resource boxes back together. Collecting the gifts I bought for family, and generally getting ready to leave on Saturday. It is sad...I realize how much this horrible little room has really begun to feel like home.

sadness...again.

I feel the same way that Lido felt after kid's club yesterday "I don't want to go home! Why do I have to go home? I'm just sad sad sad."

Lido is the one in the picture with his hand raised...he is my favorite!

saying goodbye part 1

So I’m sitting on the couch…I’m supposed to be doing staff evaluations, but I just keep thinking about everything that has happened during the summer and all of the wonderful people I have met. And after a few minutes of reflection…I’m leaving teardrop stains on Heather’s evaluation paperwork.

I never expected to come here. If you had asked me 6 months ago…I never would have said that I would be living in a town of 730 people with no gas station on a native reservation in Montana. Never. In two days Destiny won’t be able to throw open the door of my office looking for me, Francis won’t be able to come find me for her daily hug,

I won’t be sending people driving all over with directions like “turn at the blue house after the bridge and go to the green house with the broken down chevy pick up in the driveway”, I won’t be seeing people’s faces light up with joy because we mowed their lawn….something they just couldn’t do.

I won’t be dancing with MeKenna, or chasing Cobyn around. I won’t be joining in the drum circle or yelling at my staff to go to bed. I won’t be laughing at Smokey or learning how to bead.
When we tell people in other places around Montana where we live and what we’re doing ….they look at us like we are crazy and tell us to be careful because we are in danger and that they would never even dream of stopping in Heart Butte Montana.

They are the crazy ones. Crazy for not stopping. I’ve landed for a summer in a beautiful little pocket of the world and now I don’t want to leave. Don’t get me wrong…there is drama and craziness up the wazoo and sometimes I want to pull my hair out and just walk away. But it has been worth every single tense conversation, every time I’ve been yelled at. Worth the dark circles under my eyes, the airmattress, wearing dirty clothes, and eating nasty food.

Heart Butte Montana is a place you will never see unless you go looking for it….I’m glad to be found here. Even for just another 3 days.

Get Ready

This week is our last week.

This week is like prep week but twice as bad.

We have to do everything we did during prep weeks....backwards...with participants here.

I anticipate a lot of late nights.

Here we go....

one of my biggest flaws

Why am I so incapable of keeping things clean?? Really...I don't understand.
This is Heather and I's bedroom/Kid's club supply room/team meeting room/office.I hate it. It is a disaster and there are no windows and no ventilation.

Coming Home

I am leaving to come home in 12 days. That is crazy! I can't believe how fast this summer has gone and I know this last week will fly by as well. I've starting to think about coming home. Not about leaving here...that is too hard to think about just yet...but I have been excited about returning home!

Here are some things I've been contemplating:

What I will do when I get home:
1. Sleep in a bed
2. eat healthy food
3. get margaritas with Emily
4. go to starbucks with sara
5. watch a movie
6. sleep in....past 8am
7. have windows in my room
8. have a closet
9. sit on the patio with a cup of tea and a pointlessly entertaining novel
10. talk on my cell phone
11. go to target
12. hang out with the fam
13. check facebook
14. go to church...it's been 7 weeks!
15. walk around barefoot

What I will not do when I get home:
1. have meetings
2. go to sam's club
3. use a calling card
4. go to bed at midnight or later
5. get up at 6:30 or earlier
6. sing in front of people
7. get people's attention by screaming "holla back"
8. wear the same t-shirt every day
9. keep reciepts
10. constanly remind people to wear seatbelts, lock doors, pick up after themselves, and go to bed
11. paint...anything
12. give piggyback rides
13. fight with a scanner
14. do paperwork
15. check my voicemail every 4 hours

some random thoughts

1.
One of our adult leaders is calling me "Molly Mom" this week. I feel like this is kind of fits. I think I wrote about this a little bit at the beginning of the summer...but it continues to make me laugh. Especially in light of the fact that a few years ago I wasn't even sure I wanted to have kids....to set the record straight : I do. But I guess I'm more of the "mom".."take care of people" type than I ever realized before.
*this is a picture of me and the boys and the yummy cake I made for our team*

2. When did I become such a klutz? I fell down at glacier. When I fell: I broke my camera, and severly bruised my shin and my ankle. They are both turning purple now and still hurt quite a bit. I also stabbed myself with a plastic fork yesterday...who does that?

3. I'm ready to go home. I love it here...a lot! But I'm worn out and I need some time off to hang out with friends and family, sleep in my bed, and not be on the job 24/7.

4. I really don't like paperwork. and there is a lot of it to do right now. too much.
5. I really need to go do my paperwork now.

More pictures from our trip to West Glacier and Going to the Sun Road

Weekend Retreat!

This is a picture of our staff team + Area Director Ashley!

It was a wonderful weekend full of adventure and relaxation!

More pictures and stories to come.

So Tired

I'm so tired.

More than not getting enough sleep...the wear and tear of working 18 hour days with 1 day a week off for 8 weeks is catching up to me. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

I could barely get out of bed this morning...and I'm not the only one. We had to send Dillon to wake Ranger up, and if you had given me a few more minutes, someone would have had to come get me too. I knew what time it was and I knew I needed to get up but I could not physically pull myself out of bed.

This weekend we are going to West Glaceier National Park to stay in a cabin, go whitewater rafting, and drive "going to the sun" road. It is going to be a glorious weekend...and one of the best parts is that tonight I get to sleep in a real bed.

A real bed with real sheets, a mattress, and glory!!!!!

Be excited to see pictures when we get back!

yum

Praising God for veggie and hummus wraps instead of taco tuesday dinner!

that's all.

Moving on...

I remember very clearly sitting on a hill at our training week in Denver thinking "what have I gotten myself into?" I'd been listening to people talk for days about what my summer was going to look like and all the daunting tasks we had to do. They were giving us piles and piles of paperwork and binders of information and saying "don't forget this" and "don't forget that". "

What did I sign up for?"
"What have I gotten myself into?"

I have been here for 8 weeks. I have 2 left. I know that when we leave here and I go back to Denver for our debrief I will be asking myself "What just happned?" "What was that?"

Everything here happens so fast. One minute you are in crisis mode. Taking kids to the hospital to get stitches and then dealing with conflict and then making dinner...battling high school students over lights out and then you crash into bed and wake up the next day to go full force again....forgetting that yesterday I was kneeling next to a 10 year old girl busting out my first aid skills and then taking her to the hospital.

When did that become an everyday kind of thing? When I joined Youthworks...that's when.

Bottom line: things break...like cars, fridges, dishwasher disposals, toilets.
adult leaders get angry.
staff get into conflict.
kids get hurt.
community members yell at you.
the school board spends a good chunk of their meeting discussing how clean you keep the school.
mice eat your food.
you don't sleep.

In any given day, 3-5 of these things could happen one after the other. And they are not little things. When Adult leaders get upset...it is a big deal. When staff are in conflict...you have to resolve it...when the school board is upset...you have to spend 2 hours cleaning.

Here is the point of this post: Stuff happens. you have to face it head-on...deal with it...let it go...and move on to the next thing. I don't have the luxury of time to process through every situation and how it impacted me and what I learned. I know I'm learning, I know I'm growing, but sometimes you take the kid to get stitches and then you go home to make a snack for 72 people and calm down the anger of an adult leader...and no one even knows that you spent an hour at the hospital comforting the kid and answering to the parents whose kid got hurt while in your program.

Never thought I'd say it...but it's all in a day's work. A very long 18 hour day's work. I love it. and right now...I'm really tired.

new addictions

I have become addicted to Cinnamon Toast Crunch..or as the off-brand calls them: Cinnamon Toasters.

I used to be a cereal snob...but off-brand cereal that comes in a bag is so much cheaper and it tastes the same.

Why are these toasters so good?? I'm sure they are not good for me!

Is this real life?

Today I was struck by some of the completely ridiculous and amazing things that I do on a daily basis that I never in my life would have expected to do. Here are a few.

1. I drive around in either a beat up 15 passenger van with no air conditioning or a dented green chevy pick-up truck.
2. I buy lattes at a coffee shop that's literally a white cement tipi.
3. I hang out at a beautiful crystal clear lake with views of the mountains all around.
4. I load up 5 flatbeds at Sam's club every week and pay $1200 for groceries
5. I live in a classroom of a school and sleep on an air mattress...and I think it is completely adequate
6. I use packing boxes as my clothing dresser
7. I lead worship
8. I have a 22 digit phone card number memorized
9. I go to glacier national park multiple times a week
10. I teach native dances to high school students
11. I teach people how to paint....(I don't know anything about painting)
12. I warn people about the hazards of grizzly bears, mountain lions, and stepping in cow manure
13. I make high school students clean toilets
14. I have three people in their 20's who call me "mom" on a daily basis

Unexpected Friends

Making friends is something that has always come pretty easily to me. And I've always been okay with the concept that I can't be friends with everyone so sometimes it's okay if I just don't hit it off with someone I meet.

This whole lifestyle is a little bit different. I've made some amazing friends in the community....but it has taken a lot of work. It's required a lot of initiative and intentionality on my part to get the friendships started and to keep them moving forward. There are so many little cultural things that impact relationships here. I'm just not used to it. A lot of times I feel like I'm not wanted or that my attempt at friendship is annoying and I'm just that pesky white girl with that crazy youth organization. That's the lie I've been believing, but the truth is: my friendship is wanted and appreciated...but that appreciation and mutuality in relationships just looks a little bit different here.

Over the last few weeks...I've stepped my game up with being intentional and seeking out time (what very little time we have) to spend with friends and to be present in the community. Now I can honestly say that people who started out the summer as "community contacts" have become friends. The friendships are new and they need work...but they have so much beautiful potential.

The awful....horrible...makes me want to cry part is that I'm leaving in three weeks. I seriously feel like I just got here. Like I showed up a week ago...but I know that these relationships could not have possilby been built in a week. It has taken 6 weeks to build up to this beginning stage of friendship and in 3 weeks...I have to walk away.

They're used to it. This happens every summer and so they have a great attitude that we are friends for the summer and they get to help us become aquainted with the community and hang out....but for me: it hurts a lot. After we spent time with them last night, it really hit me that I'm leaving and I don't want to leave these people who have drastically impacted my time here. I can't even imagine showing up in this community...that is not an easy place to enter...and not having them here. They have made all the difference and when I think of Heart Butte and the Blackfeet Reservation it is them that I will think of.

** The picture is of me and my friend McKenna. She is 5 and was crowned the Blackfeet Tiny Tot Princess this weekend!**

Canoe Trip!

We went on an amazingly relaxing and restful canoe trip this weekend! We did a few hours in the canoe broken up by a wonderful picnic lunch!!

It was a fantastic day of rest that was much needed by all our staff! Praise the Lord for peaceful surroundings and fun times on the water!

Pow-Wow

This weekend I experienced my first Pow-Wow. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it. It was kind of like a cultural fair. There was drumming competitions, dancing competitions, fair rides, fair food (yummy fry bread), and vendors. It was amazing!! I loved the dancing and the costumes and all the great explanations that our native friends provided!! I posted a video of some dancing!! Check it out!

These are Fancy Dancers...it is my favorite!

It lives and moves and breathes

The Native people call God "Creator". They worship him for the beauty of the earth and all that He has given them through it. They recognize that the earth is alive. It lives and breathes and moves. One of our great community friends has shared with us some wisdom about the earth which I would love to pass on to you.

The Creator has given us everything we need through the earth. You can heal so many things and find medicines in plants and flowers. Brewing sage for arthritis and using dandelions and a number of other things to make you feel better!!

Everything is alive. When you cut down a tree for Christmas or flowers for your home, you are taking something that is alive. You should carefully consider when it is appropriate to take from the earth and when it isn't necessary. When Natives take from the earth, they give back. They offer tobacco (which is very sacred to their culture) back to the earth in exchange for what they have taken, realizing that they have taken life for their own purposes and this is not something to take flippantly.

God is in everything. He is in the animals. Watch the animals, they will tell you things. When horses are jumpy and running....a storm is coming. Watch the beaver....see where he makes his house. If he makes it close to the shore or far away...this will tell you what kind of winter you will have that year. If a bird flies in front of you...especially while driving, be aware. The bird is warning you that something is coming ahead and you should slow down.

You can choose to believe what you want to believe, but God is in everything. He is everywhere. So why don't we pay attention to the animals, to the plants and the trees and the earth??

Being in this beautiful place with places that have been untainted by human progress has touched me. The mountains are massive and overwhelmingly speak of strength, but then on the side of this same solid mountain are streams and waterfalls and bunches of yellow wild flowers. The lakes are crystal clear and unpolluted. I have never seen such beautiful sunsets and sunrises.

The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it.
Psalm 24:1

some pics

Don't pet the rez dogs

Youthworks has a policy: Do not pet dogs on your site.

This rule exists for many reasons:
1. fleas, ticks, germs, and general dirtiness of dogs that live in places like reservations and in mexico
2. you never know which dogs are mean and which dogs are nice

I guess that is only two reasons. They are good reasons, but as you can see from the photo....they didn't really work out so well. We tried, we really did. There are four dogs that live near the school that we have become bff with.

Cry Baby...the black one in front is Dillon's shed buddy. She comes and helps him mix paint and eat granola bars.
Trouble: it's all in the name. He is the little guy that Heather is holding. He likes to bite ankles and cry outside the door of the school while we have club. This week Ranger found him curled up in our skit costume pile behind our club stage...this was adorable, but also bed because dogs are sooo not allowed in the school
Mary Jane: She isn't pictured in the photos, but she is a big white puppy that has tripled in size since we arrived. She has huge ears, loves popsicles, and is currently sporting a big gray paint spot on her back from sitting in a paint bucket over the weekend.
Rocket: Rocket is my favorite. She is a german shepherd puppy about 6 months old. She is speedy quick, super sweet, and completely loyal. She sleeps outside the door of the school, follows us around, sits on our laps, and has generally adopted our team as her family. She also loves Gorp (our home made trail mix) In the photo...Ranger is holding her!

So at the Blackfeet Reservation the rule is:
Don't pet the rez dogs....except Cry Baby, Trouble, Mary Jane, and Rocket.

What can we do right?? You try telling 75 high school students not to pet or play with the four puppies that hang out at the school and try to sit on their laps. Ya....it doesn't work.

The Pictures are Back!

Thanks for the new connector cord mom!! I'm back with picture uploading capabilities so here is a beautiful picture of our staff team!!

more photos to come!

Balancing Act

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him.
Psalm 28:7

I'm responsible for a lot of relationships here. Relationships between our staff team, relationships in the community, relationships with our adult leaders, and relationships with our student participants. It's a lot to balance and a lot to juggle. Sometime one relationship seems really important and the next minute is a completely different relationship that demands my focus.

Last week my relationships with adult leaders took a lot of finessing. They were a difficult group and I spent a good portion of my time devoted to working with them. This week I had a conflict with a community member. The challenges of intercultural communication and living in a completely different world really caught up with me and I'm still working to heal that relationship. This morning I had to send some students home for seriuosly breaking youthworks guidelines.

I've spent time in the last two weeks crying over all these relationships. Working my hardest to do the best for people when they often have conflicting interests. I think I've learned something about people though. Regardless of which category the relationship falls under, if it is a conflict, or a drama:

.... people do not feel like they are loved.

Whatever issue that is at hand, if you listen hard enough to the heart behind the problem, you will see that most people are not loved enough. They are lonely. They want someone to listen and they want someone to care.

I'm emotionally drained from caring for people. Listening and sympathizing is not hard. Loving someone to the point that your heart aches for the pain and the problems they face in their lives is physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. But at the same time, I feel like my heart is full. God continues to fill my heart with love and compassion so that I can pour it out into the people he puts in my life.

I know if I tried to truly care about people with only my own strength, I would fail, and I would quit. But I can't quit, and I don't want to. So I lean on the Lord and He gives me strength.

All that I can say

David Crowder Band has this amazing song called "All that I can Say" I love this song, It really encompasses a lot that has been happening the past month. I feel like in this job and in this environment, everything you do is never enough. There is always more to prepare for, more to finish, more people to meet, more kids to hug, more high school students to have conversation with, more conflicts to difuse....it is neverending. I love this song because it starts out with exhaustion and desperation and moves into a realization that God is with us through every hard point.

It really does feel like "Lord I'm tired and alone" and sometimes it really feels like "that was you holding me the whole time" But the main part of the song that I love so much is that despite what is happening....I am offering everything I have. Even if it feels like it is never enough. Everyday I could say,

"And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything."

So I give my everything. My heart, my passion, my time, my energy, my enthusiasm...and everything else. I know it isn't much. But it is enough for God to use and do beautiful things with.


So here are the lyrics:

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

yeah thats my everything [2x]

everything........

Setting the Learning Curve

Last week was our first week of participants. It was a crazy week, not necessarily the best week ever, but I learned a lot.

Today we recieve all new groups on site. I'm excited to take the things we learned last week and make this week better by changing our organization and preparing well.

Some things we learned and will do differently:

1. enforce the "all work done by midnight" rule
2. be more organized in the kitchen
3. memorize the schedule

I will be focusing on these ones:
1. having consistent attitude and reactions despite the rollercoaster of circumstances
2. spend more time building relationships with high school students
3. supporting my staff...but giving them more distance in their positions so I can get my paperwork done during the week

I'm so excited to make changes and have a more calm and collected week. Last week just felt too chaotic. Please pray that our week would be smooth and calm, but exciting and life changing at the same time.

Seeing Stars

Last night was a great end to a great day off. Our staff gathered in the apartment that the boys sleep in and tried to watch a movie. It failed so we just talked about all things not related to YouthWorks. Then we laid outside under the stars. They were beautiful!! There isn't really much of a description to give. Imagine a place where it gets pretty much pitch black dark, and there is no pollution, and a clear sky. Glorious Stars!!

A few staff members stuck it out and slept outside. I didn't quite make it the whole night....but gladly returned to sleeping in the warm house. Don't get me wrong, I can rock a hard ground and a sleeping bag...I've done it before, but last night the airmattress and the house were very much appreciated.

On a different note:
I am not musical. At all. And I've always known I would never ever be a worship leader. Until I came to YouthWorks, where all of our staff has to stand on our stage and lead worship. We have to sing loud enough for the students to follow along. This is unfortunate because I cannot sing loudly, and I can rarely sing on pitch of in tune or whatever it is called. I really dislike having to lead music. I'm just not confident in it, and I've become more and more confident in my singing, just to survive on stage, but it is false confidence because I don't sound any better than I did when I was singing in the audience.

After this summer I will gladly return the priviledge and pressure of song leadership to all you who are musical and have lovely voices.

What a Glorious Day Today...Glorious Day

Today was my first day off in a month.

This is what we did:

Slept till 11
Ate Breakfast at 12
Went hiking at Glacier National Park
Went to lunch
Going to watch a movie.

The hiking and fresh air kind of wore me out a little...and I don't feel completely rested as far as sleep goes, but I do feel rested and rejuvinated in attitude and I'm excited to have new groups in this week.

praise the lord

the groups are gone

I'm going to take a nap

and then tomorrow I have most of the day off

Glory be to God

Perspective

So yesterday was a difficult day. And I'm still really tired today. But I love waking up in the morning and being able to see things newly. Yesterday was hard, really hard. We had some crazy situations and felt really discouraged a lot. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I truly love this job. I work harder here than I have worked in a very long time. I am stretched in communication, compassion, organization, responsibility, patience, problem solving, and blessed so much by the wonderful community members.

I have the opportunity to show open up a whole new world perspective and attitude toward Native people for these groups who come in. I think it is easy to let the little details of the job distract me from the true purpose and goals of being here.

I refocused and got my perspective back this morning. And while the burnt coffee is keeping me going....I am overjoyed to be here even in the hard times.

If I wasn't being challenged, failing a million times a day, having to perservere through the rough patches, support and love staff when I feel completely drained...I wouldn't be growing.

I'd rather run a hundred miles an hour and fall onto my airmattress completely exhausted, and drift to sleep with the sounds of our mouse friend in the background....I'd rather do this everyday knowing that what I do matters and the people I meet and introduce to this community will be forever altered...than do anything else.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...even in the hard days....Praise Jesus for his grace and strength that keeps me going!

Argh

Today was an incredibly frustrating day.

1. we have had lots of problems getting the kitchen clean enough to meet the school's standards and keep us out of trouble with the cooks. So we rarely finish cleaning the kitchen in time and thus were up until after midnight finishing the kitchen and other details.

2. so i woke up super tired today, had a hard time getting going, and a horrible "I'm tired headache"

3. Just when I fell asleep for a brief nap the intercome paged me to come to the office for a phone call

4. there were minor dramas at all ministry sites today

5. dramas resulted in angry adult leaders

6. angry adult leaders yell

7. Our cultural speaker was a little annoyed because we weren't ready when they arrived...mostly because of the thing with the kitchen

8. The adult leaders didn't gather enough money to reimburse the cultural speaker...so I had to find creative places to take it out of my budget

9. the high school musical dance bombed at club

10. and...now it is 12:30 and I'm just now going to bed.

I love youthworks. I love my job. Today it kind of sucked. It was frustrating.

Recipe for mass chaos

Ingredients:

One large bearded man with a booming voice and a whistle (aka Ranger, our program staff)
4 overzealous adult leaders with tube socks full of flour
4 medics sent to make students do the chicken dance, bark like a dog, and sing "I'm a little teapot"
6 stations of ridiculous tasks
team flags
team cheers
a football field

Instructions:
Basically our students divided into four teams...made a flag and a cheer. Then they ran from station to station doing crazy relay races. But as they were running from station to station a "bonker" or "an overzealous adult leader with a tube sock full of flour" would hit them with the sock and then that team member could not continue.

Team with the most points wins.

This is one of the most entertaining things I have seen in a very long time.

Go Time

YAY! We got our first group of students yesterday afternoon...although it feels like 3 weeks ago they came not just 30 hours.

The groups are pretty good...and all our programming and projects are running well for our first week...they will of course get better as the summer continues.

3 updates:

1. There have been no pictures lately because I lost my connector cord...but my mom is mailing me a new one...so pictures will return soon
2. I have lots to tell you so be looking for these future blog posts:
* Recipe for organized and fantabulous chaos
* Battling through
3. I'm way to tired to write those right now...so check back soon and I will have something legitimately intersteing to say!!

Late Night Fun

It is 2am.

After multiple cups of day old coffee....hundreds of worship song practices...run through of 5 clubs....poster making....and lots of other fun wrap up details: I am still a few hours away from going to bed.

This is a longer "all-nighter" than anything I ever did in college. I guess your actions truly do tell where your heart lies.

back to it...

Bonded Out

I love my team.
They are Wonderful.

Heather is becoming such a close friend, she is a fantastic listener, vocalizes many of the thoughts I wish I could say outloud, giggles with me at night, oversleeps alarms with me, and speaks such truth and wisdom. She is so wonderful with children, I think it is because she has such a pure and lovely heart.

Dillon is hilarious. He is such a gentleman and always so respectful of the people he is around. He has a fun loving personality and rarely gets stressed out. I always know I can count on Dillon and that he will keep his word. His spiritual curiousity is contagious.

Ranger is the newbie. He is also great. He can fix anything and everything, and has such a servant's heart. He also has a million life stories that always apply to whatever random thing is happening...and we have bonded over our love of the gifts of the spirit and all things Holy Spirit related.

So, when I say I love my team...I really mean it. But when I say that we spend a lot of time together I also mean that too. We are together all the time. I cannot think of more than 2 hours I have spent completely by myself in the last two weeks. Yesterday I spent 14 solid hours with Ranger. We ate all three meals together and shopped till we literally dropped. Today I have been with at least one other person since 7:00am. That is almost 12 hours of solid togetherness.

Now, I love team bonding. We are bonded. I have never bonded with people so fast. We have to bond, we are working together, living together, we are each other's only friends, we are each other's family, we are our own church...because there isn't really a church here. We already make each other's meals, do each other's laundry, and can tell pretty immediately when someone is stressed.

I think I've reached a point of over-bondedness. Maybe that isn't the correct sentiment. But I really need some alone time. And I can't see a chunk of alone time coming my way until at the earliest Saturday. That is a whole week from today.

On saturday....this is what I want to do:
1. Sleep in
2. Drink Tea and read a book
3. Drive to Glacier in our pick up truck with the windows down and the music blaring
4. Go horseback riding with my neighbor who offered to take me.

Maybe it will happen....probably not all of it. But we'll see. This is not a 9-5 job...that is for certain.

ridiculousness

today was ridiculous.

we are less than 48 hours away from recieving our first groups of students on-site and all the last minute details are catching up to us.

Ranger, our new staff memebr :) and I went shopping for all our supplies in Great Falls today.

It sucked.

well....maybe that is a little exaggerated. It was fun to hang out with him and get to know him better, and we were feeling pretty good after hitting Barnes and Noble, Home Depot, Dollar Tree, and Sam's club. The 15 passenger van was loaded with food and we had been there for a while...but were feeling very positive.

And then we went to wal-mart. I hate wal-mart. It is awful. I cannot explain in words how horrible wal-mart was. Except to say that I was pushing one cart...pulling one cart....getting wierd stares from people about the insane amounts of cereal, manwich sauce, and cookies in my cart. And it just took forever. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, And the shopping list seemed to never end. Or things were in random places that didn't make sense. I think I did about 10 circles through the grocery section with my cart.

I left Wal-Mart feeling like someone had just beat me up. And we weren't done yet. We had to make copies...which I payed $10 extra for because I put the paper in the wrong way...who does that? A few more stops....a two hour drive home...and we hit a 14 hour shopping trip.

I did not know you could shop for 14 hours. Now I know. And now I hate Fridays....because next week we have to do it all over again. Hopefully more efficiently.

Once we got back to our site, I began to take stock of all the little details that needed to be wrapped up and finished before students could come. This was very overwhelming, it is a lot to do! And then my boss showed up...as I'm at a spiritual, mental, and physical low. Not to mention going off of 5 hours sleep the night before and fresh from 14 hours of shopping. My boss is amazing and she jumped right in helping us with everything...but I feel like I wasn't on my best game.

oh well. I claim grace over today....and praise Jesus that it is over.

Communication on the rez...what a joy

FYI

I'm going to Northern Cheyenne Reservation tomorrow for a week. Don't know if I will have internet or not. So I will not be writing much blog info!!

But here is something fun!

Address to send me mai:

Molly Gibson
C/O Youthworks
PO Box 275
Heart Butte, MT 59448

Care Packages to:
Molly Gibson
C/O Youthworks
#1 School Rd.
Heart Butte, MT 59448

Laugh or Cry

Did we laugh or did we cry?:

1. When Heather lost the only key to the place where all our food is.....LAUGH.
2. When we had to go to the home of the custodian who really doesn't like us to get the key to where the food is....LAUGH
3. When the battery in the car died 5 minutes before we had to leave for a meeting....LAUGH
4. When we got different directions from 4 different people to the same place and none of them were right....LAUGH
5. When the fridge we had priced three days ago and planned to buy at Sam's club ended up being gone because it was the last one and they were now discontinued....LAUGH
6. When we drove around to 4 different places trying to find a new fridge to buy....LAUGH
7. When we unloaded the fridge in a downpour of rain....LAUGH
8. when we had a slight accident with the fridge while trying to unpack it....Kinda LAUGH....almost cry
9. When we found a mouse in our sleeping room about 5 minutes ago....CRY.

Crappy stuff happens...you choose how you react...but sometimes the mouse is just the final straw in a really long day.

perserverence

I feel like I can barely process all that has been happening this past week. I have been here on the Blackfeet Reservation for one week. It feels like years. Years of spiritual growth, years of leadership challenges, years of maturity. I can only imagine what another two months will bring.

The last few days have been really challenging. I'm exhausted. From working 14-15 hour days, creating relationships out of thin air in a completely different culture, and trying desperately to care for my team when sometimes I just don't know how.

We lost a team member today. One of our staff made a courageous decision to return home to take care of some things that needed tending there. It was so sad to drop him off at the train station this morning and walk away as a group of three instead of a group of four. We went through our day as usual...but it was wierd. I know he made the right decision for himself, and I'm so happy that he did what is right for him...but it is still hard as the site leader to watch one of my staff leave. Did I do enough for him? Did I let him down? I guess I just have to trust that the Lord's plans are good and faithful, and that He walked with me through the whole process...which I felt Him do. Still...it's hard.

This is definetly going to be one of those experience that drastically changes me. This job is so hard. So hard that I cannot do it. And that is what makes it so good. To walk lean on the Lord minute by minute and feel the honor of partnering with Him in something so much bigger than anything I could do on my own.

"We know that suffering produces perserverence; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." ~Paul

SERIOUSLY?!?

it is June 06. And there is snow on the ground.

Oy VEY!

No words

DANGER

Our friend Marvin came to warn us that there has been a grizzly bear hanging out on his land the past few days.

Marvin lives directly behind where we live.

Translation: There is a grizzly bear in my backyard.

What this means for us: Heather and I have been "seeing" grizzly bears everywhere. We thought a car was a grizzly bear, a pile of trash was a grizzly bear, and also a cow.

YIKES!....thanks for the bear spray mom!

many new posts in a row

Hey guys…I didn’t have internet for a while so I just posted a bunch of entries in a row updating what has been happening for the last week or so. Leave me some comments! I love hearing from you!

Prayer requests:

1. Help to solidify some details that are a little confused right now with our housing contact
2. Humility for me
3. Strong relationships on our team
4. The Kids of Heart Butte Montana….that they would come to kids club and let Jesus love on them through our high school volunteers.
5. Warm weather

We have arrived.

We’re Here! We stopped and spent the night at the Crow Reservation site on our way to Montana and being in that community gave me a little glimpse into where we were heading and made me super pumped to get here. It is gorgeous. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields that stretch on and on.
So far we have met a bunch of community members…we survived our first confrontation by a few who don’t really want us here…. we were prayed for by the most wonderful pastor and his wife…and we were welcomed with open arms by many.
We played basketball with a bunch of community kids…one very naughty one that threw rocks at us. During this basketball game….we got a little rowdy and Chuck plowed me over while I was making a move for the ball, resulting in a skinned up elbow. Yay for my first Youthworks battle wound.
Today a bunch of teens raced by our window on horseback, parked their horses at the school for the eighth grade graduation and then left the same way. This is how transportation should truly be. And if you know me well…you know that I am 100% serious.
It is cold. We unloaded our shed (which was the epitome of disorganization) in hats and gloves. I am already dreaming of glorious plans to organize, label, and store our supplies at the end of the year so that next summer the Blackfeet staff will open the shed doors and to the glorious wonders of an organized supply system! I realize my excitement about this makes me a dork…but it is the truth.
Finally: I love it here. Praise Jesus for the amazing Blackfeet Nation….their perseverance through all the atrocities they have faced throughout history…their beautiful culture and warmth….their excitement and hospitality.

What I learned while driving through Colorado…and Wyoming….and Montana.

1. Leadership and humility are pretty much the same thing…..and I need to work on mine.
2. If you live in Montana you must embrace country music…there are no other options.
3. I can drive a 15 passenger van with ease and grace.
4. Chuck (my program staff) can read maps better than I can.
5. 4 people can drink a lot of apple juice.
6. Montana is beautiful….yea God.
7. Some trucks require a key to open the gas tank, you should find out if yours does before you leave.
8. Sometimes when you think you are going 70 you are actually going 85.
9. I say “OK.” A lot. Heather (Kids Club Staff) pointed this out to me.
10. It is fun to play charades by driving up next to your friends and make actions that symbolize hunger or the need to stop for gas.

RAMP it up.

So, I am officially gone for the summer…I left on May 25th and spent last week in Denver training to be a Youthworks! Site Director. My range of emotions and thought process throughout this week went back and forth between “This is going to be the most amazing experience I’ve ever had!” and “What on earth have I gotten myself into?” It was a very long week of seminars and training that went very very fast…if that is possible!?!
My team: I love my team! They are wonderful. They have so much energy and we have bonded so well together. I think there will be a little head-butting along the way…but I think these will be people that I stay in contact with for a very long time.
Highlight of training week: Met some amazing people…can’t wait to continue those friendships and support each other from afar this summer.
Lowlight of training week: Waking up in the middle of the night every night by my body hitting the hard gym floor because my air mattress had a hole in it.

shaped by the unspoken

"My existence has been determined by language, not only the spoken, but the unspoken.
Simon Ortiz

I've been challenged to spend more time listening and less time speaking during my summer. In preparation, I've been paying more attention to what I say, and how often I speak.

I talk a lot.
I say things that don't need to be said.
Words or thoughts that serve no purpose.
This morning, I announced "I'm hungry"

Big deal. I said "I'm hungry"
It was a big deal. It wasn't what I said...it was how quickly my thought became spoken words. Vocalizing my thoughts has become such a natural thing, I rarely consider keeping them to myself.

I'm leaving tomorrow and will be submersed in a culture that embraces silence. A people who use words purposefully and meaningfully. They aren't afraid of silence, or using few words. Hopefully I will learn from them when to speak and when to listen to the silence.

I would like to point out that this post used to be twice as long as it is now. But in an effort to speak less, I deleted a lot. I probably didn't need to point that out...I am a work in progress.

"People should think of their words like seeds. They should plant them and then let them grow in silence"

Back to the Basics

Back to blogging. I haven't done this in a while, but very very soon...26 days soon, I will have very few methods of communication.

For those of you who haven't heard: I'm adventuring to the Blackfeet Indian Reservation in Montana this summer. So to start us off right...I will provide the basics

What's going on? I am a Site Director for YouthWorks! Which basically means that I will be coordinating all aspects of a mission site so 65 high school students can do week long mission trips throughout the summer. I get to manage staff, budget, build community relationships, and not sleep for three months.

Where? Heart Butte, Montana is a town of 700 people located on the Blackfeet Indian Reservation. It is about 45 mins from Glacier National Park and about twelve steps from Canada.

Why? 5 months after graduation...I am still jobless. So I pose the question: when you are jobless and living with your parents what should you do?

Easy...Go on an adventure.

That's not exactly the full story. I've wanted to work with YouthWorks! but I was too busy collecting "job experience" so I could get a job that I missed out on summer adventures. So earlier this year as I was throwing my resume out like candy at a parade...I applied to YouthWorks, just to see what happened. God's plan once again trumped my own and I'm preparing for one of the craziest and most challenging experiences I've ever had.

So why the blog? I will be living in a classroom at a school in Heart Butte. Heart Butte doesn't really have cell phone service...but the school has internet. I also won't have a ton free time on my hands (about 1 day a week). So through this blog I can give you all the updates, stories, and photos from my summer!

Now that we've covered the basics...we can get into the interesting stuff. I promise my blog posts won't be as dull as this one...but we had to start someplace.

Trying it out...

Testing my blog....Sweet stuff to come